My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
