rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
