just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
