what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
