oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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