The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
