im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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