Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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