and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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