I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize