he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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