I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
