just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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