You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
