I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
