Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
