don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
