woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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