Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
