i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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