I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
