So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I checked into jail on foursquare
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
