Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
