Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
