"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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