the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
