The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
