he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i will never coherently bang her
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
