I accidentally had phone sex last night
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
