Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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