We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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