We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
