so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
