i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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