Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
it hurts more in the daytime
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
