the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
