it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
