I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
