Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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