Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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