the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
