I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
