That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
