I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
