he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
