I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Im part way to drunk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
