Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
