She is in my trunk
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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