theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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