my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
