I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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