peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
