Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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