I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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