After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
